Friday, March 12, 2010

Disenchantment 101

HG TV has become a problem for me. Not dissimilar to the way Platinum Weddings and Say Yes to the Dress on TLC became problems about 8 months ago. Such programs build up one’s ambitions and expectations for life’s great moments so high that the deflation period is quite tedious.

My wedding was great, but circumstances just didn’t lead to my family and bridesmaids weeping as they arranged flowers in my hair. I wasn’t ushered seamlessly from ceremony to reception, and I can’t say that I remember the flavor of any of the menu items upon which it took months to decide. Nope. My mother’s wrist was broken so it was all she could do to get herself dressed. It was a sweltering August day, and to say that I was schvitzing in my 127 lb. dress would be quite an understatement. Upon arriving at the chapel, it seemed as if none of us knew what the heck was going on…despite the supposed rehearsal, and things were no less chaotic at the reception. Oh, and it rained. It rained all over us as we walked a long, uncovered path from the chapel to the Limo. Let me tell ya, there is nothing like a nice sauna visit before your wedding reception. It does wonders for your makeup and hair…if you prefer that they melt off before the party.

Again, I’m not complaining. I loved my wedding, and there are some great memories that I get to treasure that no one other bride will…like my new husband performing a song he had written for me. And my father answering, “My mother and I do” upon being asked by Pastor Jim, “Who gives this bride away to be married?” Seriously hysterical. And my sister pulling out sheets of paper when it was her turn to give the maid of honor toast, along with my brother MCing the wedding. All wonderful things. Oh! And a certain Larry Hooper imitating what a deaf Jason Mraz would sound like while singing our song as we danced our first married dance.

But TLC will not prepare you for the warfare that is the “wedding day”. Even if you are not a Bridezilla, relationships will be strained. It feels like payment to the wedding gods. You may have a husband, but your friendships must suffer…no matter how hard you try to circumvent the impending doom. And regardless of how much or how long you plan, details of the event will never occur in the manner for which you had hoped. TLC needs to consider launching a show based on honeymoons because the day after the wedding when you get to disappear with your new husband…that’s the best day of your life.

But I digress…back to HG TV. House Hunters and Property Virgins have set me up for a slight disenchantment once again. Brandon and I are currently in contract on a house…and it’s long and tedious…again! I mean, nothing’s happening. Nobody is documenting us as we discuss our likes and dislikes of different homes. Compellingly dramatic music does not play in the background as we call our lender to see if our financing will work out. And worst of all…when we do finally close…if we do in fact close…TLC will not have decorated a room of my new house in lieu of me. Nope, we’re just sittin’ around waiting to meet with our lender and hoping that our June closing date works out. It just feels too boring to be the fantastic process of home buying. Whatever. Maybe on June 4th, if I am handed keys to the house, maybe I’ll just bring my Zune with me so I can have some triumphant music playing in the background. At least they get that right at weddings. You get cool music playing as you exit the building after sealing the deal.

Happy Spring Break, Everyone!

Bis Bald,

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