Thursday, July 15, 2010

I Don’t Care If They Eat Other Bugs…

Spiders are evil. Evil and out to get me. You know who else is out to get me? Those individuals, who claim that we should coexist with spiders and allow for their cohabitation in our own personal dwellings. If you’re one of “those” individuals, why do you hate me and love spiders? Or perhaps you’ve been wrongly influenced by the spiders’ enticing and persuasive appearance. Except for you haven’t because look at them! Evil Incarnate! And just plain jerks, really. Very inconsiderate all around. I mean, Tolkien got it. Everyone loved Frodo and hated the great big jerk spider. Can’t you give me the same consideration? Even if you don’t love me, can you at least not laud the spider?

Apparently there was some large spider conference in Bryan/College Station where my photograph was circulated and a high bounty was set, as I’ve been battling eight-legged assassins for the past few weeks. The score thus far: Sarabeth-5 or so, Brandon-too many to count, Bella-0, I think, even though she’s attempted to ingest a few, and Spiders-0. The arachnids’ low score is not for lack of trying. At first I blamed it on our new development. We have laid siege to the enemy camp’s natural habitat so counter attacks were to be expected. But it’s getting grossly out of hand; the spiders will stop at nothing in their attempts to give me a heart attack, and they are ruthless and soulless. They’ve officially launched two assaults, of which I’m aware, outside of my home base. One veiled itself and hitched a ride to work in my driver’s side rearview window, but I struck him down outside of Blinn. Today has been the worst by far. My keen sight did spy a brown house spider attempting a cruel subterfuge…he aimed to camouflage himself as a bit of office carpet in an endeavor to climb into my handbag. I did cast him down to the fiery pits with my staff…errr…umbrella, but it was not without a grueling battle. Even now, I suspect they are forming new, despicable stratagems. Brandon informed me a little while ago that they called in the big guns to come mock us right outside of our bedroom window…yes…a black widow was sighted and snuffed out accordingly. I suspect a clandestine alliance with the enormous black and yellow garden spider, who promises it’s “just hanging out and eating other spiders” next to our kitchen window. Sorry, Spidey, but Sweden never donned black, yellow, and eight freakishly long legs whilst eating their own. Your cannibalism fails in convincing me. I’m quietly plotting your demise.

So if you are, in fact, one of “those” people, who value all forms of life including the venomous, creepy, crawly, fiendish kind, feel free to come over to my house and collect all the spidery life you want…and then put them in your house, car, and office. Otherwise, it’s lights out to any buggy foe against which I’m posed.


  1. Go Sarabeth!!! I'm rooting for you. I'm equally offended by their existence.

  2. So funny I laughed till I cried!.