The Woes of a Long Torso

After visiting Dallas this past weekend, I've returned with only one regret. I have an unfortunately long torso. For that I should be grateful, as it's the only reason I have any height. My leg inseam is that of an 8-year-old child. Still I am often met with disappointment when trying on a one piece vintage bathing suit. Then I remember that I’m trying on a bathing suit, and the disappointment all but dissipates. Not only is the buoyant lycra pulled taut across my entire upper body, but the rest of my body is protruding outwardly in an uncovered and unflattering manner. I shall live another day even without this vintage one piece bathing suit in my life.

But there still exists one article of clothing over which I may forever lament. The Jumper.

Initially I found the reemergence of this styling of the 70s fairly disconcerting, and I think it may be due to Tyra Banks’ unfortunate attempt at an 80s version of The Jumper as witnessed at least twice on America’s Next Top Model. The Jumper must never be approached in such a capricious manner. The Jumper must be respected and well thought out, or else one may meet an end result such as this:

(Insert panicked scream here)
Quick, obtain some eye drops and lubricate your poor sockets! Allow them a few moments to rest and refocus after being subjected to such a terrifying shock. Better now? Okay, so let me reassure you that The Jumper can actually look flattering…unfortunately, not on every body type. As cute as it can be on the correct body type, it’s unfortunately not universal like the color corral. Before donning The Jumper, one must be honest with one’s self. How proportionate are you? I think this factor is key. If you are, while sadly I am not, you may have to opportunity to appear as such this:

Or such as:

Or such as:

You see, there’s no need to abuse The Jumper, as demonstrated by Ms. Banks. With love, reverence, and correct proportion, The Jumper can freely exist in its own special aesthetic. Please join me in the fight against The Jumper Abuse. Disallow the Disproportionate!