Tuesday, March 29, 2011

All comments should be submitted in writing for further review.


Pregnancy has done nothing for my sarcastic, acerbic tendencies, and by that I mean that those tendencies have increased tenfold.

It would seem that my greatest test in managing my patience is calmly withstanding the unsolicited "advice" of many. I'm not a rational human being at this point, and I know it, and I'm okay with it. B knows it, and he's okay with it. And for the next 30 weeks or so, while I grow a human inside of me, I just need everyone else to be on board with this.

Example: Receiving countless tips on how to manage morning sickness...other than the pharmaceuticals to which I've resorted.

Rational Sarabeth says, "I so appreciate that others are concerned with my well being! Even these people I don't know all that well...it's just so considerate that they want to give me advice on how to manage my pregnancy. I assume they want me and my baby to experience a fantastic gestation period. Thank you, everyone!"

Pregnant, acerbic, sarcastic, i.e. current, Sarabeth says, "Really? You mean crackers and ginger ale can help abate the symptoms of morning sickness? So, all this time when I was lying in bed all day immobilized by severe nausea, I could have just popped a cracker and sipped some ginger ale? I didn't realize! Oh, wait. Yes. Yes I did...because it is the first thing that pops up on google when you search 'morning sickness relief'!!!!! "

Example: Being told again and again (by men, nonetheless????) how tough it is right now but how worth it it will all be in the end.

Rational Sarabeth says, "You are so right! And thanks for the encouraging reminder!"

Current Sarabeth says, "You know...it's not. Right now, it's not worth it. But I knew it wouldn't be. Just like I know that in the near future, it will be. Then there will be more times in the future, when it's hard to believe it was all worth it all over again because raising kids is really hard. Then those 'was it worth it times' will be followed by more 'yeah, it was worth it' moments of confirmation. But, I knew all of this and chose to do it any way and want to continue down this vomit ridden path. So stop acting like it's all peachy! It's currently not!"

In the end rational, albeit less enthusiastic, Sarabeth tends to win in regurgitating some sort of tepid response. I figure my authentically desired outbursts might lead to quite a bit of alienation as well as a potential job loss. Plus, I can only assume that God would appreciate a bit of self-control regardless of my hormonal state. However, I believe he totally knows what I'm talking about.

I also recognize that many people really do care, and for that I am genuinely grateful. Fear of inflicting pain upon the sincere has also been a catalyst for my meek responses.

Just stop pointing out the obvious!

I stumbled across the article Stuff and Nonsense? by Zoe Wiliams and was greatly comforted by the following excerpt:

Try to remember, when the advice turns out to be nonsense, that not everyone has evil motives: some people will give you bad advice because they are stupid or ill-informed. Others will give you bad advice because, without even realising it, they have a yen to bring the business of procreation under closer central control. They just don't trust you. But then, why should they? You are an absurd shape and you keep crying.

Monday, March 21, 2011

For the love of all that is good and pure in this world....

...everyone, stop and listen to me! Stop wearing leggings as pants!

Several weeks ago I completed the obligatory task of joining my birth club on Babycenter.com so I could celebrate, commiserate, compare, and contrast with other anonymous pregnant women throughout the world. Why? I don't know. In a world dominated by the internet, it seemed natural. In fact, wouldn't my baby be born with three eyes if I didn't gather loads of panicked, cautious, overly negative information stemming from other women's experiences in some sort of online forum? Not only do I need to know what my OB is telling me, I need to know what at least 10 other OBs are telling other preggos in preferably 10 different states. I must know every single unhappy thing that could possibly happen!!!!!

You may have, at this point, sensed my sarcasm. Yeah, I'm kind of over the birth club thing. Allowing numerous overly tired, hormonal women the right to electronically assemble is not a good idea.

However, I was intrigued when Babycenter offered up pointers on dressing one's pregnant frame. Hopeful, I clicked on the link where I was greeted with cute, albeit predictable, outfits suitable for women who hope to gain approximately 10 lbs throughout their pregnancy and started at 110. Go figure. Apparently pregnancy is no excuse for excess weight.

Soon, though, my mildly irked demeanor wildly shifted to grossly nauseated. And not due to morning sickness, which by the by still rages on. No, the culprit...well...here it is:

Photo Source
Skinny lady cameltoes of the world unite! Pregnant ones are now permitted!

This is a cruel joke, editors over at Babycenter. You hold sway over many women, who are susceptible to bad decision making during this particular time in their lives. Do you really want to be responsible for preggo cameltoes just running amok?

Ladies, don't listen to them! Whatever you do! No cameltoe is ever a good cameltoe. Skinny. Not skinny. Pregnant. Not pregnant. It doesn't matter! Buy yourself a tunic...at least!

I didn't want to have to say it, but you leave me no choice. We all know where the baby comes from. So cover it up!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Babies rock my metabolism!

Yes, my baby sickness whining persists. After nearly three weeks of crippling nausea and sporadic pharmaceutical-induced relief, my exercise schedule has suffered. Actually it's more or less dead. Fortunately, I don't own a scale and have been relegated to a wardrobe of sweats so I've been allowed to rest in a state of weight accumulation denial.

Unfortunately, as we all know, jeans never lie. And jeans did I have to approach as I planned to venture out into the sunlight for the first time in several days.

Photo Source

BUT...one more "fortunate" did present itself. My skinny jeans (at least my personal translation of "skinny") still fit the same after weeks of increased caloric intake and decreased physical movement. This must be a Spring Break miracle! It would seem that my kidney bean sized baby has caused a metabolic increase so great, that my figure has managed to stagnate. This is great news, as it's normal to gain approximately 5 lbs. in the first trimester.

Of course, I look forward to proper weight gain in the near future, but since I'm experiencing so many difficulties in keeping healthy habits, I look upon this as a HUGE blessing. Let's just hope it continues until I'm able to peel myself off the bathroom floor and relocate to the elliptical.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

We have a heartbeat!

Just a preview of what's to come. The blueberry will be making its first live appearance around October 21st but plans to be more comparable to a pumpkin by that time.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Gold Fish, Perrier, and Drugs: My Latest and Greatest Accessories.

It would seem that my baby sickness has yet to improve; in fact, it's become increasingly erratic. I might choke back a dry heave at any given point in the day regardless of what I'm doing or with whom I'm speaking.

Blinn Students, pray that they remain dry heaves.

Helping me remain upright throughout the day are my newly intimate friends Pepperidge Farm Goldfish, Perrier (because diet 7up, which was my favorite, has suddenly become unquestionably intolerable. I wish my body would keep me better updated), and Zofran. Yes, we've discussed the drugs, and I'll continue to sing Zofran's praises as long as it continues to keep the vomit in the vault.

However, my three allies are only partially effective. The unpredictable dizziness and stomach lurching can arrive at any given moment making all my goals incredibly difficult. Advising remains paramount due to that pesky need for an income, and we're still waiting for my dad to win the lottery. Seriously, Dad, how long have you been playing that thing? Get on it already!

My kind editor at Maroon Weekly has given me a couple of weeks off to gather my strength for our issue covering Chilifest...hmmm...chili kind of sounds good. I'll be interviewing the Brant Crow Band for it fairly soon; I wonder what their take on birthing options is.

Lastly, my blog...poor, poor blog. It may remain the most neglected while I wait for baby sickness season to pass. But I'll do my best!

Thanks so much for all of the prayers and support!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Fashion Forum Friday: I heart Zofran but NOT pajama jeans

I don't officially know what is diminishing my requisite of late, which is the perpetual need to sleep on the bathroom floor. Are the Sea-bands truly effective?  It's doubtful, as I'm not currently wearing them and am also not currently located in a bathroom. Has my body grown more impervious to the Lentil's excruciating hormonal shift activity? One can always hope.

I suspect, though, that my increased lucidity and decreased head-explodyness can be associated with the miracle drug Zofran. The miraculous, ridiculously expensive, rarely covered by health insurance, relief providing Zofran.

Thanks, Blue Cross Blue Shield, for not giving two literal cents about my inability to function without Zofran. 'Preciate ya!

Regardless, my Fashion Forum Friday item of the week is: Pajamas! Can't wait to sleep all weekend!

And it's also NOT: Pajama jeans!


Ladies, jeans are not meant to feel like pajamas, and we have to choose to be okay with this. If your jeans are so wildly uncomfortable that you would rather be seen in pajamas masquerading as jeans, perhaps you should just invest in a new fit of REAL jeans! I understand that the commerical claims that pajama jeans will flattter every figure. I am here to tell you, THEY WILL NOT! ABSOLUTELY NOT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?

Here are the two most important things I would have you take from this blog. 1. Leggings should not sub as proper pants. 2. Pajama Jeans are the worst, laziest, most unflattering idea that I've seen since leggings subing as proper pants.

I know; it's a hard concept but let's review. Pajamas: Good. Jeans: Fantastic. Pajama Jeans = Your butt just grew two sizes.

It's similar to Jim Gaffigan's take on fruit cake. "Fruit: Good. Cake: Great. Fruit Cake: Nasty crap."

Seriously, just wear normal jeans and stop complaining. If I see you walking around in pajama jeans, you're going to counteract the effects of my beloved Zofran, and then I will vomit all over your pajama jeans.

Bon Weekend!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

And now I thank my sister.

Many thanks to Juliana for being such a trooper as I dramatically expressed my ire about morning sickness in yesterday's post. Once I was no longer blinded by nausea, we spoke on the phone, and she assured me that she would never wish all of this upon me. This, of course, I knew, but I needed a scapegoat. Be ye warned!

She also suggested that I try Sea-Bands, as they seemed to offer her some relief during her first trimester.

Yes, I am currently wearing the lovely bluish gray pair, and at first I lamented the less than fashion-forward look. But a this point, I would probably wear a motorcycle helmet all day if it promised long lasting relief.

Then, I stumbled across this...

Gwen Stefani has worn the exact same pair, and while I rarely attempt to look like Gwen Stefani, I definitely appreciate her.

Sea-Bands are in! At least they are in my mind for as long as I need them to be.

Thus far, I've made it to work and haven't hugged a toilet yet. I have an aresenal of Zofran waiting to combat any sudden sickness, but I would really like to know if this natural Sea-Band remedy works.

Time will tell.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I blame my sister.

Juliana had to deal with many physical hardships during her pregnancy. For instance, she had to go off of her migraine medication, which led to increased feelings of "my baby needs to find a new incubator, stat!". I do not envy all that she had to endure.

Having said that, I believe that words have power, and during this irrationally emotional state in which I'll reside for the next 30something weeks, I've been demanding that people only speak blessings over me and "the lentil" (baby's approximate size). No negativity allowed in my proximity!

Apparently, a couple of individuals, including my sister, simply couldn't bear the notion that I may experience mere headaches and nausea during my first trimester. Nay, I needed to experience the bone-rattling severity of hugging a toilet and dry heaving until I faint. I needed to deal with the stress of wondering how on earth I'll deal with my 40 hour/week job with only 12 sick days allotted to me in a fiscal year. I simply couldn't be one of the lucky few, who get to be up and energized and happy.

Nope. Some people wouldn't be happy until I was like this:
Photo Source

Well, now I am...so yay for you!

My doctor is calling in a prescription of Zofran for me. I'd appreciate only encouragement and prayers that this will offer relief. Otherwise, you may be singled out in my blog and there's nothing you can do or say about it because I'm pregnant and emotionally irrational!